Ode to my Mama

So, dear readers, today is a happy day. Not only did I read that Sadie has agreed to go on a date with me (older women can be so sexy!), it is my Mama's birthday. Now, before I even read Jen and Ben's comments to my last post, I had been composing some birthday limericks in honor of my mom (great minds, my friends, great minds...). Here they are, in no particular order...

Mama's Slippers:

Mama's got a new pair of slippers
They smell better than pickled kippers
A scent worth beggin'
Or turning vegan
I'd even go under the clippers.

The one and only Mama:

In my house there's only one Mama
She is more fun than a pet llama
Her feet smell like roses
We like to rub noses
I think she might vote for Obama.

I need you, Mama!

I may just be a small poodle
But I've got a very large noodle
When she is away
I cry and I bray
Life without Mama is brutal.

Happy Birthday, Mama!

Picture backlog

Ok, so for the last couple weeks, I couldn't find the cord to connect my camera to the computer, so I couldn't post any pictures. Well, turns out I had taken it to a secret, undisclosed location for its own protection. But, it's back, and now I can share with you some pictures from the last few weeks...

Me and Winston at Grandma and Grandpa's after a long day of playing.

I always like to stay informed of current events.

Look at how utterly adorable I am! Even Mom can't handle it.

Ok, now I'm bored with this. Are we done here, paparazzi? No more pictures, capische?

My life as a beltway bandit

Earlier this week, I was on my way home from Grandpa's new house (by the way, new carpet is THE BEST!), and we made a stop along the way at Mama's office. It was a Sunday, but she is so important that she had to work. I thought I might see if I could help out, so that she could come home ASAP to make me dinner. I can't help it, I was hungry! Anyway, we went into the office, and it turns out there were a bunch of people there. I checked out everyone's office, just to make sure there were no food scraps or interesting things to chew on the floor--a puppy could get hurt! Those are some lucky employees, let me tell you! I sampled the water there, it flows right out of the refrigerator door, like a magical, life-giving spring. I can't imagine the deep, spiritual thoughts I'd have if I drank that water every day.

In any case, I spoke with some of the employees, and their company was in serious need of some organizational development, as well as diversity training. I mean, they had never even seen a Canine Consultant! So, I taught them how to help me work most efficiently, and sensitized them to some issues canines might face in the workplace. I think it is now a much more accepting environment for workers of all species. I hope I get called to consult again soon.

Sadie Lewis, will you be my puppy-tine?

Dear Sadie,
You seem like a really swell dog. It seems that all the dogs I know are boy dogs, and we really could use some bitches in this neighborhood, if you know what I mean. I can tell that you must be really smart if you know tricks like scooting your butt along the floor. Anyway, I like long walks in the park, sleeping in piles of laundry, and sticking my head in the shower. I'm looking for someone to share my rock collection with.
Will you be my puppy-tine?
Love, Oliver

I should have all my socks taken away...

Dear readers, I beg your forgiveness. It has been many moons since I last wrote to you, my faithful followers. I won't make excuses, but let me just say that there has been a lot going on. First, I've found that this puppy chow my moms are feeding me is really packing on the pounds. Plus, Mom has a new job and is wrenching me from my peaceful slumber even earlier each morning. Therefore, I've started an exercise regimen. In addition to the walk that Mom takes me on, each morning and evening I take a swim down the hallway. How can I swim down the hallway, you might ask...well, if there is anyone out there willing to lend me a video camera, I would happily show you. That way you could use it as an instructional video and you, too, could be swimming down your hallway in no time, no water necessary!

There is an activity I have discovered where water IS necessary, and that is showering. I was always curious about what goes on behind that curtain in the bathroom, and I tried sticking my head in to see what would happen, but I always got turned away. Finally, one day Mama gave in and let me in the shower with her. Warren Eckstein would be proud. Anyway, it turns out the shower is really not all that exciting--I was pretty much ambivalent about my shower experience. It was ok, but not nearly as much fun as rock collecting.

I've also been making lots of new friends here in our nation's capital. I'm still hoping to meet Jack, my mentor, very very soon. I met a lovely golden retriever named Darby who used to live in New Mexico. He gave me a chili pepper he had brought all the way from Albuquerque, which I love. It turns out that chili peppers squeak--this discovery inspired me to do a little experiment to find out what sorts of things squeak when you chew them, and which things don't. Here are the results:

Squeak:
chili peppers
hot dogs
hamburgers
Fred (a very long, dog-like creature)
lambs
Poof (a white fluffy gingerbread-man shaped creature)
Wubbas
cell phones (more of a beep than a squeak, but still enjoyable)
Winston, my poodle puppy buddy

Don't squeak:
bones
socks
shoes
underwear
pants
my collar
my paws
brushes (both human and canine, dental and hair-related)
the vacuum cleaner
the coffee table
rugs
magazines
chairs
pillows
sticks
TV remote control
ice cubes (though they are SO tasty it makes up for the lack of squeak)
rocks
gummy candy shaped like penguins.

I think it would be a great service to dog-kind if people started putting squeakers in these non-squeak items.

I must be off for my evening swim, but hopefully, soon I will post a video of my patented no-water swimming technique.