Atonement

Greetings on this Yom Kippur day. First, you should know that I'm finally not a bastard child anymore--Mom and Mama got hitched, and I feel like my new standing as a puppy-in-wedlock has given me a new sense of responsibility. Therefore, I am going to devote this posting to atoning for the few, itty-bitty, nearly insignificant sins I have committed this past year.






Martha and Jim: I'm sorry for peeing on your bed. I got WAY too excited about the golf balls.

Mama: I'm sorry I chewed up your Spiderman glasses. They looked kind of like candy. Boy, was that a mistake.

Mom: I'm sorry I can't stop sticking my head inside your work bag. It's so cozy in there, and there are sometimes snacks!

Grandma Focarazzo: I'm sorry I ate your plants. And dug one up. And got dirt all over the carpet.

Winston: I'm sorry I stole your monkey and chewed off one of the arms.

Mom: I'm sorry I got caught in the bathtub for the 1,000th time. I'm trying to stop, but I think I might be addicted to bath water. Plus, Dove doesn't taste too bad, especially the green kind.

Mama: I'm sorry I peed on you when I got home from camp. I was SO happy to see you that I kind of lost it.

Jen: I'm sorry I chewed your knitting pattern. Maybe it can be like an extra-super-challenge now.

Colleen and Becky: I'm sorry I pooped in your hallway when I was sleeping over. I'm even sorrier I tried to make you think it was Winston.

Winston: Sorry I tried to make you take the rap for the poop in the hallway.

Mom: I'm sorry for running away from the bus. I thought I could drag you out of the way, but you just didn't hold on tight enough. Next time, I'll just bark like crazy.

Hanna: I'm sorry I wouldn't share my stick with you at the park. I'm older (in dog years, anyway), and I should have been more mature. Next time we play, I'll let you win.

Mean old man neighbor: I'm sorry I mistook you for someone who has a heart. Clearly you are not a friend of the canines, and I won't try to share the love again.

Kelly the groomer: I'm sorry I may have acted a bit grumpy that one time. It was not so long after my "operation" and I wasn't in the best of moods. You're really an ok person, and I hope you'll be my stylist forever and ever.

Ben D.: I'm sorry for not reading your vibes right when I first met you. You rock--I'd share my toys with you any day.

To everyone who's ever stayed at our house: I'm sorry for stealing your socks. I've acknowledged my problem, which is the first step to recovery.

Anyhow, I'm sure there are more, but the fasting has gotten me a bit light-headed, and it's hard to focus on the screen. So, happy atoning everyone, and let's hope Mom and Mama will let me have something other than kibble for break fast!

Me, me, me

It seems that you, the people, just can't get enough of me, the Oliver. So, here are some more pictures to help get you through your Tuesday...

Eh, Fuggedaboudit.

I'm not coming out until that vacuum cleaner is in the next zip code.

Winnie, go easy on the Pepsi!

No, no, a little to the left, get the waterfall in the background, it makes me look sporty.

Toby, a novel, by Jack Schaffer

I almost forgot to give you an update on my new friend, Toby. As a sign of friendship, I MAY have sent Toby a giant crab with claws that squeak (I tested them myself). I heard back from Toby that he found the crab even tastier than poop, which says a lot. Here are some prize pics of Toby and the crab.

Oliver: Olympic Hopeful?

It's official, I'm in training for the Olympics. My event is the creek swim. After all my dry-land practice in the hallway, it turns out I'm an excellent swimmer. I discovered this one day when it was very hot out, and Mom and I were walking in the park. As you may know, summers in our nation's capital can be downright steamy, so as we passed by the creek it was ever-so-tempting. I convinced Mom that we should just dip our toes in, but then we both had so much fun that we ended up splashing around in the cool water. In some parts, the creek is deep enough for me to swim in (there are some benefits to only being 2 feet tall). Here I am doing my patented doggie-paddle-butt-float:
Anyhow, this was all practice for the big event. This past weekend, we were happily driving around in the mountains near Shenandoah, VA, when something crazy happened, and we all ended up on a river in these giant inflatable toys! Luckily, I had my canine personal flotation device with me (You know what I and Longfellow the Water Safety Whale always say, "Don't just pack it, wear your jacket!"). Mom and Mama didn't seem too concerned about the whole thing, but I was determined to pull us all to shore. I swam with all my might for 3 miles down the Shenandoah River until I finally managed to get us to dry land. Unfortunately, there aren't any photos of my heroic feats, because Mama left her camera at home after the canoe-in-the-Erie-canal incident. I paddled for what seemed like hours, stopping only to rest in Mom's giant inflatable toy and eat river weeds. Eventually, we were on the river so long that the sun started to set and I knew if I didn't get us to safety soon, hypothermia would set in. I felt like I was in a Reader's Digest story, where everything starts out fine and dandy on a sunny summer day, and then in the blink of an eye, it all turns tragic.

Ok, so there wasn't really any tragedy. But I did pull everyone to safety, and we dried off and found the car and made it home and then I slept all day Sunday to recharge and reflect on my role as protector of this family. In any case, all the ladies we saw on the river swooned over me in my PFD, so I'll have to model it at home and take some pictures for you.

In other news, I have finally figured out the whole car thing. Basically, only good things happen when I get in the car. I either go to visit one of my grandparents or Aunt Martha or my buddy Winston or to the dog park, or I go to the Easy Cheese store. The car is the portal to all things tasty and fun. There is only one problem, I think you'll agree, and that is that my chariot is much too plain and boring for a fashionista like myself. Here I am, nonetheless, trying my best to rock the Honda Element:
As you can see, it lacks something...leopard print seat covers, perhaps? Well, I'd better get back to redecorating the crate (faux shearling is SO out this season). Toodles!

Funny Humans

Every once in a while, some humans come along who are so clever and funny that I must tell the world about them. These are my pals Bevan and Venessa, and they are funnier than Mom's hair first thing in the morning (and that's saying something.) I command you to watch their music video, but I have first dibs on auditioning to be a backup dancer for their next performance.

World, meet Toby. Toby, meet Cyberspace!

Dear readers,
It is with great joy and excitement that I introduce you to my future best friend, Toby. Toby lives in California with Mom's friend Ilana. Ilana happens to be one of my biggest fans, dog-lover that she is, so I totally approve of her as a human companion for a canine like Toby. I haven't met Toby yet, but he seems like a swell guy who deserves the best.
The language of humans can sometimes be hard to understand, so, to help you communicate with your humans, I've defined some key phrases for you: (I can't help it, my mom's a linguist!)

"No" = You cute thing, do that again!
"What are you eating?" = I'm so glad you've chosen such a healthy snack.
"Give that back/That's not yours/Drop it/Stop, canine thief!" = What's mine is yours, my
four-legged friend.
"What the *beep* did you do?" = Your creativity at entertaining me continues to amaze.
"Time for a bath." = Run.
"[Name of food] is not for doggies" = Would you like a second helping?
"I'm going to sell you to the glue factory" = You have me wrapped so tight around your pinky finger that you could do anything and I'd still love you.
"We're going to see that nice vet lady." = Time for Easy Cheese!

And my one big piece of advice: If you're going to do something that you think your humans won't be too happy about (hey, we all have our moments), just wait til they're not watching. It will save everyone a lot of grief in the long run.

So, Toby, I hope you're having fun in your new home, and that we get to sniff each other's butts in person soon!

Love,
Your BFF, Oliver

Buffaloes are just big, ugly dogs

I've returned from my great adventure to western New York, and I have to tell you, I wouldn't mind hanging out there again. The weather was lovely, a nice break from the humidity in our nation's capital (I am covered in black fur, as you'll recall). The company was also lovely--my Aunt Martha and best buddy Jim seem willing to let me do as I please (still sorry about the whole peeing on the bed thing!). They also have wall-to-wall carpeting (MUCH better for running around than wood floors), and there seem to be toys in every nook and cranny. So, I spent the weekend fetching Jim's golf balls, playing guitar hero, grilling out, and just relaxing. Plus, Martha and Jim have easily twice as many flip flops as we do at home, and you know how I like a good, chewy flip flop.

Now, I would send you a picture of me kicking back with a nice cold beer, waiting for the burgers to grill, but I can't. Why, you ask? Well, that would be because I made the monumentally stupid mistake of lending my camera to Mama. She and Mom and Martha and Jim were all going "kayaking" and "canoeing." I had never heard of either of those things, but it sounded kind of like "cleaning," which is really boring, and not at all risky for a camera. Anyhow, they got back later that afternoon, WITHOUT MY CAMERA! Apparently, kayaking and canoeing are things you do in the water, there was some sort of water fight incident, and my camera had taken a little dip in the Erie Canal. Unacceptable. I mean, how dumb can you be? This is highly sensitive digital equipment we're talking about--unlike yours truly, cameras do NOT like to go swimming! So, long story short, I seem to have not only lost my pictures from the beginning of the trip, but now I have no way of recording my experiences. You, the readers, are the real losers, because you won't get to see any more of my handsome visage until Mama replaces my camera.

ANYWAY, we all have to let go sometimes in life and move on. Hopefully, I can salvage pictures of Winston and I swimming in the creek near our house. Winston came and slept over one night while his moms were away, and we had a great time. It was so hot that Mom and Mama took us swimming to cool off. Basically, Winston is like the Xander to my Buffy. He came in and swam eventually, but the whole time he kept saying, "Ollie, I'm not so sure this is a good idea...The water could be dangerous...Are you sure you know how to swim...blah, blah, blah" He's a good guy, but sometimes he's a bit of a weenie. I miss you, Win--stop by to play sometime soon.