Who wears the pants in this family?

Readers, something very frightening happened to me last night, and I wanted to share it with you right away in the hopes of possibly saving you future trauma. We got home from an Easter visit to Grandma and Grandpa's, and after a late dinner, I was napping on the living room floor, minding my own business. Mama was on the couch trying to fix her computer (silly PC users!), and Mom was unpacking in the bedroom. Now, when I say I was "napping," I mean that, as usual, I may have had my eyes closed, but I was certainly aware of my surroundings. I take my responsibility for observing and documenting the goings-on of the household very seriously, and I NEVER sleep on the job. So, when I saw a very strange being walk into the living room, I knew immediately that something was wrong.

This person had not entered through the front door, where normal immigration procedures apply (ie, greeting, sniffing, jumping, licking, etc.), it had simply appeared as if it came from the bedroom, but I was sure that my moms and I were alone. Stranger still, the person was wearing something very, very disturbing. It was sort of like those lampshades that I see some dogs at the vet wearing, but over its legs instead of on its head. I figured this bizarre dress and furtive entry could only mean trouble. I went straight into intruder mode, growling a low, threatening growl, and curling my lip. Then, the creature spoke. She said, "Ollie, what's wrong with you?" I paused, tilted my head to see this intruder better, and took a sniff. She smelled like...Mom! Well, right away I ran over and gave her copious kisses to try to cover up the fact that I had mistaken her for an intruder. Then she and Mama started laughing, which just made me feel stupid. How was I supposed to know that Mom was just trying on a dress she bought while Mama was busy picking out an LCD TV? Mom and Mama are only supposed to wear pants, where you can see both legs, and there is no scary lampshade-like fabric. I know it sounds old-fashioned, but I just don't approve of women these days wearing dresses, especially when you're been around for four months like I have and have never seen them wear one. Mom took the dress off and (thank goodness!) put on some normal sweatpants, and then sat down and explained to me that since the weather is getting warmer, she might sometimes wear the lampshades on her legs, and that I'd have to get used to it. I felt a little better, but I have to tell you, I think it will take years of therapy later on for me to get over the trauma of seeing Mom in a dress.

Max Schmax

Something very disturbing has come to my attention. I owe this to the colleague that Mom was travelling with this week, who is a dog owner herself (Hi Mojo!), as most reasonably intelligent humans are. She sent this link to an article on CNN.com: http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/03/21/dog.blog/index.html

Let me start with the fact that I am appalled that I was not interviewed for this story. Neither was my mentor, Jack. I consider these horrendous oversights on the part of this "Sarah Jio" of CNN. I checked out "Max the Golden Retriever," and I have to say, I wasn't impressed. Who taught this dog English? Has he never read Strunk & White? I suppose this is what we have to expect from a Golden Retriever, but I never expected something so juvenile, base, and--dare I say--boring to show up on national news. I have sent my complaints to CNN, and I will let you know, dear readers, as soon as I hear back from them. As for the rest of you struggling artists out there, keep on writing, and have faith that someday soon, the world will be able to distinguish true literary greatness from amateur drivel. And Mojo, anytime you want to write a guest post, just say the word.

When the Mom's away...

For the last four days, Mama and I have been home alone. The first night when she didn't come home I was so depressed, all I could do was lie on the ground with one of her dirty socks and cry. Mom left us with some flimsy excuse like "business travel," but what kind of business could she possibly have been conducting in Wausau, WI? There aren't even any dogs there! I wasn't too happy about being left behind--I could totally fit in a carry-on!--but I had to pull it together and take care of Mama. We had popcorn and beer for dinner every night, because that's all I know how to cook so far. I've decided it's important I learn some new recipes so that if we're ever on our own again, I can make all sorts of gourmet meals and make Mom jealous.

Anyhow, some good things did come of our time alone (I'll refer to it hereafter as "the dark days"). First, Mama and I got to have some real quality time together. After I got over my depression, we went out cruising together in the "outdoor woods". Mama didn't manage to pick up any ladies, but I sure got lucky with a bunch of sticks and rocks. The other excellent thing is that Mom discovered (while sending us daily photo updates from the road) that the new Mac OS has a new (and WAY improved) version of PhotoBooth. If you have never used one before, you need to find your nearest Mac user immediately and ask them nicely to show you how. It is the most fun you can have besides sock chewing. You can take pictures of yourself with all sorts of effects, sort of like funhouse mirrors, but with the new one, you can superimpose yourself onto different backgrounds.

So, as soon as she got home, Mama and I had a photoshoot...here are two of our best shots...

Just Keep Swimming...Just Keep Swimming....

Wheeeeeeee!

As you can see, this presents endless possibilities for photo entertainment. You can also import any picture into the program, so if you send me a picture of yourself, I can add myself in and post it here, then you can show all your friends and co-workers, and everyone will think you've met the famous Oliver of Oliver Opines in person, and you'll be the most popular kid on the block. Just my little way of giving back.

Poop and Circumstance

It's official, I'm a graduate! On Sunday, I passed my final exam with flying colors and graduated from puppy kindergarten. Luckily, Mama was there to take pictures as I showed I could sit, stay, lie down, come and shake. I also made it through a very challenging obstacle course. The toughest part was the tunnel made of towels. Most of the other puppies in the class were scared of the tunnel part, but I just wanted to play with the towels. Mom kept trying to get me to go through them, but why would you pass up the opportunity to shred a perfectly good towel?? Anyway, it was Mama's first time at puppy class and she was so proud that she got me a graduation gift. I'll post pictures of me with my gift next time--trust me, it can't be explained in words.

So long puppy kindergarten, next stop, Harvard!

UPDATE: Sadly, I had to disembowel the graduation gift before Mom could get a picture of it. It was possessed by a very dangerous, mysterious parasite, and the only way to exercise the demons was to split it open and remove all the stuffing. I hated to see a good toy go to waste like this, but I had no choice, I couldn't let those evil spirits hang around in the house, so I gritted my teeth and did what had to be done. Then I burned the remains, just in case, and buried the ashes under the couch cushions. If you would like to purchase a new one for me, you can find it here: http://www.petsmart.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2755324 (trust me, only the 24-inch is worth it).

Ode to my Mama

So, dear readers, today is a happy day. Not only did I read that Sadie has agreed to go on a date with me (older women can be so sexy!), it is my Mama's birthday. Now, before I even read Jen and Ben's comments to my last post, I had been composing some birthday limericks in honor of my mom (great minds, my friends, great minds...). Here they are, in no particular order...

Mama's Slippers:

Mama's got a new pair of slippers
They smell better than pickled kippers
A scent worth beggin'
Or turning vegan
I'd even go under the clippers.

The one and only Mama:

In my house there's only one Mama
She is more fun than a pet llama
Her feet smell like roses
We like to rub noses
I think she might vote for Obama.

I need you, Mama!

I may just be a small poodle
But I've got a very large noodle
When she is away
I cry and I bray
Life without Mama is brutal.

Happy Birthday, Mama!

Picture backlog

Ok, so for the last couple weeks, I couldn't find the cord to connect my camera to the computer, so I couldn't post any pictures. Well, turns out I had taken it to a secret, undisclosed location for its own protection. But, it's back, and now I can share with you some pictures from the last few weeks...

Me and Winston at Grandma and Grandpa's after a long day of playing.

I always like to stay informed of current events.

Look at how utterly adorable I am! Even Mom can't handle it.

Ok, now I'm bored with this. Are we done here, paparazzi? No more pictures, capische?

My life as a beltway bandit

Earlier this week, I was on my way home from Grandpa's new house (by the way, new carpet is THE BEST!), and we made a stop along the way at Mama's office. It was a Sunday, but she is so important that she had to work. I thought I might see if I could help out, so that she could come home ASAP to make me dinner. I can't help it, I was hungry! Anyway, we went into the office, and it turns out there were a bunch of people there. I checked out everyone's office, just to make sure there were no food scraps or interesting things to chew on the floor--a puppy could get hurt! Those are some lucky employees, let me tell you! I sampled the water there, it flows right out of the refrigerator door, like a magical, life-giving spring. I can't imagine the deep, spiritual thoughts I'd have if I drank that water every day.

In any case, I spoke with some of the employees, and their company was in serious need of some organizational development, as well as diversity training. I mean, they had never even seen a Canine Consultant! So, I taught them how to help me work most efficiently, and sensitized them to some issues canines might face in the workplace. I think it is now a much more accepting environment for workers of all species. I hope I get called to consult again soon.