Ode to my Mama

So, dear readers, today is a happy day. Not only did I read that Sadie has agreed to go on a date with me (older women can be so sexy!), it is my Mama's birthday. Now, before I even read Jen and Ben's comments to my last post, I had been composing some birthday limericks in honor of my mom (great minds, my friends, great minds...). Here they are, in no particular order...

Mama's Slippers:

Mama's got a new pair of slippers
They smell better than pickled kippers
A scent worth beggin'
Or turning vegan
I'd even go under the clippers.

The one and only Mama:

In my house there's only one Mama
She is more fun than a pet llama
Her feet smell like roses
We like to rub noses
I think she might vote for Obama.

I need you, Mama!

I may just be a small poodle
But I've got a very large noodle
When she is away
I cry and I bray
Life without Mama is brutal.

Happy Birthday, Mama!

Picture backlog

Ok, so for the last couple weeks, I couldn't find the cord to connect my camera to the computer, so I couldn't post any pictures. Well, turns out I had taken it to a secret, undisclosed location for its own protection. But, it's back, and now I can share with you some pictures from the last few weeks...

Me and Winston at Grandma and Grandpa's after a long day of playing.

I always like to stay informed of current events.

Look at how utterly adorable I am! Even Mom can't handle it.

Ok, now I'm bored with this. Are we done here, paparazzi? No more pictures, capische?

My life as a beltway bandit

Earlier this week, I was on my way home from Grandpa's new house (by the way, new carpet is THE BEST!), and we made a stop along the way at Mama's office. It was a Sunday, but she is so important that she had to work. I thought I might see if I could help out, so that she could come home ASAP to make me dinner. I can't help it, I was hungry! Anyway, we went into the office, and it turns out there were a bunch of people there. I checked out everyone's office, just to make sure there were no food scraps or interesting things to chew on the floor--a puppy could get hurt! Those are some lucky employees, let me tell you! I sampled the water there, it flows right out of the refrigerator door, like a magical, life-giving spring. I can't imagine the deep, spiritual thoughts I'd have if I drank that water every day.

In any case, I spoke with some of the employees, and their company was in serious need of some organizational development, as well as diversity training. I mean, they had never even seen a Canine Consultant! So, I taught them how to help me work most efficiently, and sensitized them to some issues canines might face in the workplace. I think it is now a much more accepting environment for workers of all species. I hope I get called to consult again soon.

Sadie Lewis, will you be my puppy-tine?

Dear Sadie,
You seem like a really swell dog. It seems that all the dogs I know are boy dogs, and we really could use some bitches in this neighborhood, if you know what I mean. I can tell that you must be really smart if you know tricks like scooting your butt along the floor. Anyway, I like long walks in the park, sleeping in piles of laundry, and sticking my head in the shower. I'm looking for someone to share my rock collection with.
Will you be my puppy-tine?
Love, Oliver

I should have all my socks taken away...

Dear readers, I beg your forgiveness. It has been many moons since I last wrote to you, my faithful followers. I won't make excuses, but let me just say that there has been a lot going on. First, I've found that this puppy chow my moms are feeding me is really packing on the pounds. Plus, Mom has a new job and is wrenching me from my peaceful slumber even earlier each morning. Therefore, I've started an exercise regimen. In addition to the walk that Mom takes me on, each morning and evening I take a swim down the hallway. How can I swim down the hallway, you might ask...well, if there is anyone out there willing to lend me a video camera, I would happily show you. That way you could use it as an instructional video and you, too, could be swimming down your hallway in no time, no water necessary!

There is an activity I have discovered where water IS necessary, and that is showering. I was always curious about what goes on behind that curtain in the bathroom, and I tried sticking my head in to see what would happen, but I always got turned away. Finally, one day Mama gave in and let me in the shower with her. Warren Eckstein would be proud. Anyway, it turns out the shower is really not all that exciting--I was pretty much ambivalent about my shower experience. It was ok, but not nearly as much fun as rock collecting.

I've also been making lots of new friends here in our nation's capital. I'm still hoping to meet Jack, my mentor, very very soon. I met a lovely golden retriever named Darby who used to live in New Mexico. He gave me a chili pepper he had brought all the way from Albuquerque, which I love. It turns out that chili peppers squeak--this discovery inspired me to do a little experiment to find out what sorts of things squeak when you chew them, and which things don't. Here are the results:

Squeak:
chili peppers
hot dogs
hamburgers
Fred (a very long, dog-like creature)
lambs
Poof (a white fluffy gingerbread-man shaped creature)
Wubbas
cell phones (more of a beep than a squeak, but still enjoyable)
Winston, my poodle puppy buddy

Don't squeak:
bones
socks
shoes
underwear
pants
my collar
my paws
brushes (both human and canine, dental and hair-related)
the vacuum cleaner
the coffee table
rugs
magazines
chairs
pillows
sticks
TV remote control
ice cubes (though they are SO tasty it makes up for the lack of squeak)
rocks
gummy candy shaped like penguins.

I think it would be a great service to dog-kind if people started putting squeakers in these non-squeak items.

I must be off for my evening swim, but hopefully, soon I will post a video of my patented no-water swimming technique.

I feel strangely...naked.

Well, readers, it's been a long day. I slept in until 7, romped about in the white toy (which has gotten very slippery and wet since yesterday), and then my moms and I got in the car and went for a ride. We got out at the shopping mall (aka Petsmart), and went inside, and then paid a visit to some ladies in the salon that we visited last week. Only, I sensed something was awry...last time we visited, Mom came in with me and I sniffed everything, and the ladies there went gaga over me (as usual), and then we bought some toys and left. This time, my moms left me with the ladies! They're nice and all, but I was a little concerned that my moms were leaving me with strangers--how irresponsible. Things only got worse from there. I can't tell you the terrible injustices, violations of personal space, and indignities that occurred--this is a family-friendly blog. Suffice it to say that beauty comes at a price, and in this case, the price was very, very steep. But, I took it like the manly man I am, and I must say, I think I came out looking like quite the dapper gentleman!



So, Mom and Mama came to pick me up, and luckily they had brought the fleece coat that Aunt Martha gave me, because with all my hair gone, I was freezing! Then, we all went to the park, and it turns out the white toy made it all the way to Kensington! We ran around in the snow with a bunch of other dogs, they were all really friendly, and I got LOTS of compliments on my new look. Here we are plotting to attack the white toy together...

After the park, we went home and I had a great nap. Then it was time for some housework. I helped by keeping the laundry warm. This is a very important job. Cold laundry is just unacceptable.
I would love to share more about my busy day, but I fear that I just cannot stay awake any longer. Now I know why all those great writers were addicted to coffee, but Mom and Mama keep theirs in the freezer, which I have yet to figure out how to open. It's just my height, though, so I'm sure it won't be long.
Until I find myself a big cuppa joe, I remain,
Sir Olivier de Takoma Park

Toothfairy leaves dog giant, frozen toy; humans baffled

Yesterday was the best day of my life so far.  The toothfairy came, but she didn't leave a bacon-double-cheeseburger.  Instead, she left a giant, white, fluffy toy that was so big, it covered all the grass in the neighborhood!  This toy is AMAZING!  You can run around in it, eat it, pee on it, and it just keeps coming!  Mama took me for a walk to play with the toy, and I asked her to take my picture by it, because I was so proud that the toothfairy would think I was SOOOO good that I deserved this present.  Anyway, I wonder just how big the toy is, because we walked as far as we could until I got too tired to keep going, and the toy went as far as I could see!  I hope the toy made it all the way to your house, and you're out playing with it too!