Toby, a novel, by Jack Schaffer

I almost forgot to give you an update on my new friend, Toby. As a sign of friendship, I MAY have sent Toby a giant crab with claws that squeak (I tested them myself). I heard back from Toby that he found the crab even tastier than poop, which says a lot. Here are some prize pics of Toby and the crab.

Oliver: Olympic Hopeful?

It's official, I'm in training for the Olympics. My event is the creek swim. After all my dry-land practice in the hallway, it turns out I'm an excellent swimmer. I discovered this one day when it was very hot out, and Mom and I were walking in the park. As you may know, summers in our nation's capital can be downright steamy, so as we passed by the creek it was ever-so-tempting. I convinced Mom that we should just dip our toes in, but then we both had so much fun that we ended up splashing around in the cool water. In some parts, the creek is deep enough for me to swim in (there are some benefits to only being 2 feet tall). Here I am doing my patented doggie-paddle-butt-float:
Anyhow, this was all practice for the big event. This past weekend, we were happily driving around in the mountains near Shenandoah, VA, when something crazy happened, and we all ended up on a river in these giant inflatable toys! Luckily, I had my canine personal flotation device with me (You know what I and Longfellow the Water Safety Whale always say, "Don't just pack it, wear your jacket!"). Mom and Mama didn't seem too concerned about the whole thing, but I was determined to pull us all to shore. I swam with all my might for 3 miles down the Shenandoah River until I finally managed to get us to dry land. Unfortunately, there aren't any photos of my heroic feats, because Mama left her camera at home after the canoe-in-the-Erie-canal incident. I paddled for what seemed like hours, stopping only to rest in Mom's giant inflatable toy and eat river weeds. Eventually, we were on the river so long that the sun started to set and I knew if I didn't get us to safety soon, hypothermia would set in. I felt like I was in a Reader's Digest story, where everything starts out fine and dandy on a sunny summer day, and then in the blink of an eye, it all turns tragic.

Ok, so there wasn't really any tragedy. But I did pull everyone to safety, and we dried off and found the car and made it home and then I slept all day Sunday to recharge and reflect on my role as protector of this family. In any case, all the ladies we saw on the river swooned over me in my PFD, so I'll have to model it at home and take some pictures for you.

In other news, I have finally figured out the whole car thing. Basically, only good things happen when I get in the car. I either go to visit one of my grandparents or Aunt Martha or my buddy Winston or to the dog park, or I go to the Easy Cheese store. The car is the portal to all things tasty and fun. There is only one problem, I think you'll agree, and that is that my chariot is much too plain and boring for a fashionista like myself. Here I am, nonetheless, trying my best to rock the Honda Element:
As you can see, it lacks something...leopard print seat covers, perhaps? Well, I'd better get back to redecorating the crate (faux shearling is SO out this season). Toodles!

Funny Humans

Every once in a while, some humans come along who are so clever and funny that I must tell the world about them. These are my pals Bevan and Venessa, and they are funnier than Mom's hair first thing in the morning (and that's saying something.) I command you to watch their music video, but I have first dibs on auditioning to be a backup dancer for their next performance.

World, meet Toby. Toby, meet Cyberspace!

Dear readers,
It is with great joy and excitement that I introduce you to my future best friend, Toby. Toby lives in California with Mom's friend Ilana. Ilana happens to be one of my biggest fans, dog-lover that she is, so I totally approve of her as a human companion for a canine like Toby. I haven't met Toby yet, but he seems like a swell guy who deserves the best.
The language of humans can sometimes be hard to understand, so, to help you communicate with your humans, I've defined some key phrases for you: (I can't help it, my mom's a linguist!)

"No" = You cute thing, do that again!
"What are you eating?" = I'm so glad you've chosen such a healthy snack.
"Give that back/That's not yours/Drop it/Stop, canine thief!" = What's mine is yours, my
four-legged friend.
"What the *beep* did you do?" = Your creativity at entertaining me continues to amaze.
"Time for a bath." = Run.
"[Name of food] is not for doggies" = Would you like a second helping?
"I'm going to sell you to the glue factory" = You have me wrapped so tight around your pinky finger that you could do anything and I'd still love you.
"We're going to see that nice vet lady." = Time for Easy Cheese!

And my one big piece of advice: If you're going to do something that you think your humans won't be too happy about (hey, we all have our moments), just wait til they're not watching. It will save everyone a lot of grief in the long run.

So, Toby, I hope you're having fun in your new home, and that we get to sniff each other's butts in person soon!

Love,
Your BFF, Oliver

Buffaloes are just big, ugly dogs

I've returned from my great adventure to western New York, and I have to tell you, I wouldn't mind hanging out there again. The weather was lovely, a nice break from the humidity in our nation's capital (I am covered in black fur, as you'll recall). The company was also lovely--my Aunt Martha and best buddy Jim seem willing to let me do as I please (still sorry about the whole peeing on the bed thing!). They also have wall-to-wall carpeting (MUCH better for running around than wood floors), and there seem to be toys in every nook and cranny. So, I spent the weekend fetching Jim's golf balls, playing guitar hero, grilling out, and just relaxing. Plus, Martha and Jim have easily twice as many flip flops as we do at home, and you know how I like a good, chewy flip flop.

Now, I would send you a picture of me kicking back with a nice cold beer, waiting for the burgers to grill, but I can't. Why, you ask? Well, that would be because I made the monumentally stupid mistake of lending my camera to Mama. She and Mom and Martha and Jim were all going "kayaking" and "canoeing." I had never heard of either of those things, but it sounded kind of like "cleaning," which is really boring, and not at all risky for a camera. Anyhow, they got back later that afternoon, WITHOUT MY CAMERA! Apparently, kayaking and canoeing are things you do in the water, there was some sort of water fight incident, and my camera had taken a little dip in the Erie Canal. Unacceptable. I mean, how dumb can you be? This is highly sensitive digital equipment we're talking about--unlike yours truly, cameras do NOT like to go swimming! So, long story short, I seem to have not only lost my pictures from the beginning of the trip, but now I have no way of recording my experiences. You, the readers, are the real losers, because you won't get to see any more of my handsome visage until Mama replaces my camera.

ANYWAY, we all have to let go sometimes in life and move on. Hopefully, I can salvage pictures of Winston and I swimming in the creek near our house. Winston came and slept over one night while his moms were away, and we had a great time. It was so hot that Mom and Mama took us swimming to cool off. Basically, Winston is like the Xander to my Buffy. He came in and swam eventually, but the whole time he kept saying, "Ollie, I'm not so sure this is a good idea...The water could be dangerous...Are you sure you know how to swim...blah, blah, blah" He's a good guy, but sometimes he's a bit of a weenie. I miss you, Win--stop by to play sometime soon.

My Idol

I forgot that I wanted to share with you my favorite television program. I've seen it several times recently, and it stars a fantastically talented canine named Dolce. Hollywood scouts, take notice, I'm available, and I could SOOO do this!

Ollie Strikes Back

Well, it has been many moons, but fear not, dear readers, I have been thinking of you! I am freed of the evil cone hat, finally, and am back to my old antics, and some new ones. First, here are a few pictures of the cone days...

Here is me with my friend, Justin, the only one in the house who could begin to understand what I was going through...

That was the first day after my surgery, before my moms figured out that I could still get at my stitches, even with the cone on. They tried a bigger cone, but it was so big it fell off my head! So, Mama came up with this "cone extension"...

For the first couple days I just pretty much lied around and made them feel sorry for me. Then, I realized I could use the cone as a tool. I started using it to scoop up all manner of objects, and it was also good to do headstands on!

Anyhow, I'm now feeling much better, so on to more important things. I've realized lately that there have been some parts of my house that I've really left unexplored. For example, I always thought that the bedroom closet was merely a place to steal socks and other dirty laundry from. Nay nay! I spent some quality time in there last night, (Mom and Mama thought I was lost), and there are all sorts of fun things--flip flops, hiking boots, stockings, even a life size ET doll! Another fun area is the bathtub. Now, I know, I've talked about the bathtub before, but I'd never really just hopped in there while it was unoccupied. It's nice and cool in there, it has snacks like soap and shaving cream, and sometimes leftover bath water.

Let's see, what else has happened since my surgery...

• I bit my tongue while playing with my buddies and had to be taken to the vet
• I spent a few days at Grandma and Grandpa's in Delaware while the air conditioning in our house was broken
• I went on my first hike in the mountains
• I got attacked by two crazed Dobermans in the park

Plus, I can add the following items to the list of things I've tried to consume:

• Kitchen timer
• Sharpie marker
• Blue cake frosting
• a CD
• three different types of keychains
• dandelions
• Mom's hibiscus tree
• watering can
• bottle cap
• Wii remote
• bathing suit
• a moth
• tape dispenser
• bar of soap
• shampoo bottle
• ladies disposable razor

Of all the things on the list, I think I'd only go back for seconds of the blue frosting and maybe the hibiscus tree. Although, the soap was kind of tasty--I'm not sure why washing your mouth out with soap would be a punishment.

In any case, I'm sorry for my prolonged absence, and I assure you that it will not be so long until you hear about my next adventures. I'm about to take a trip to Buffalo, and I'm sure there will be many good stories to tell.