Sadie Lewis, will you be my puppy-tine?

Dear Sadie,
You seem like a really swell dog. It seems that all the dogs I know are boy dogs, and we really could use some bitches in this neighborhood, if you know what I mean. I can tell that you must be really smart if you know tricks like scooting your butt along the floor. Anyway, I like long walks in the park, sleeping in piles of laundry, and sticking my head in the shower. I'm looking for someone to share my rock collection with.
Will you be my puppy-tine?
Love, Oliver

I should have all my socks taken away...

Dear readers, I beg your forgiveness. It has been many moons since I last wrote to you, my faithful followers. I won't make excuses, but let me just say that there has been a lot going on. First, I've found that this puppy chow my moms are feeding me is really packing on the pounds. Plus, Mom has a new job and is wrenching me from my peaceful slumber even earlier each morning. Therefore, I've started an exercise regimen. In addition to the walk that Mom takes me on, each morning and evening I take a swim down the hallway. How can I swim down the hallway, you might ask...well, if there is anyone out there willing to lend me a video camera, I would happily show you. That way you could use it as an instructional video and you, too, could be swimming down your hallway in no time, no water necessary!

There is an activity I have discovered where water IS necessary, and that is showering. I was always curious about what goes on behind that curtain in the bathroom, and I tried sticking my head in to see what would happen, but I always got turned away. Finally, one day Mama gave in and let me in the shower with her. Warren Eckstein would be proud. Anyway, it turns out the shower is really not all that exciting--I was pretty much ambivalent about my shower experience. It was ok, but not nearly as much fun as rock collecting.

I've also been making lots of new friends here in our nation's capital. I'm still hoping to meet Jack, my mentor, very very soon. I met a lovely golden retriever named Darby who used to live in New Mexico. He gave me a chili pepper he had brought all the way from Albuquerque, which I love. It turns out that chili peppers squeak--this discovery inspired me to do a little experiment to find out what sorts of things squeak when you chew them, and which things don't. Here are the results:

Squeak:
chili peppers
hot dogs
hamburgers
Fred (a very long, dog-like creature)
lambs
Poof (a white fluffy gingerbread-man shaped creature)
Wubbas
cell phones (more of a beep than a squeak, but still enjoyable)
Winston, my poodle puppy buddy

Don't squeak:
bones
socks
shoes
underwear
pants
my collar
my paws
brushes (both human and canine, dental and hair-related)
the vacuum cleaner
the coffee table
rugs
magazines
chairs
pillows
sticks
TV remote control
ice cubes (though they are SO tasty it makes up for the lack of squeak)
rocks
gummy candy shaped like penguins.

I think it would be a great service to dog-kind if people started putting squeakers in these non-squeak items.

I must be off for my evening swim, but hopefully, soon I will post a video of my patented no-water swimming technique.

I feel strangely...naked.

Well, readers, it's been a long day. I slept in until 7, romped about in the white toy (which has gotten very slippery and wet since yesterday), and then my moms and I got in the car and went for a ride. We got out at the shopping mall (aka Petsmart), and went inside, and then paid a visit to some ladies in the salon that we visited last week. Only, I sensed something was awry...last time we visited, Mom came in with me and I sniffed everything, and the ladies there went gaga over me (as usual), and then we bought some toys and left. This time, my moms left me with the ladies! They're nice and all, but I was a little concerned that my moms were leaving me with strangers--how irresponsible. Things only got worse from there. I can't tell you the terrible injustices, violations of personal space, and indignities that occurred--this is a family-friendly blog. Suffice it to say that beauty comes at a price, and in this case, the price was very, very steep. But, I took it like the manly man I am, and I must say, I think I came out looking like quite the dapper gentleman!



So, Mom and Mama came to pick me up, and luckily they had brought the fleece coat that Aunt Martha gave me, because with all my hair gone, I was freezing! Then, we all went to the park, and it turns out the white toy made it all the way to Kensington! We ran around in the snow with a bunch of other dogs, they were all really friendly, and I got LOTS of compliments on my new look. Here we are plotting to attack the white toy together...

After the park, we went home and I had a great nap. Then it was time for some housework. I helped by keeping the laundry warm. This is a very important job. Cold laundry is just unacceptable.
I would love to share more about my busy day, but I fear that I just cannot stay awake any longer. Now I know why all those great writers were addicted to coffee, but Mom and Mama keep theirs in the freezer, which I have yet to figure out how to open. It's just my height, though, so I'm sure it won't be long.
Until I find myself a big cuppa joe, I remain,
Sir Olivier de Takoma Park

Toothfairy leaves dog giant, frozen toy; humans baffled

Yesterday was the best day of my life so far.  The toothfairy came, but she didn't leave a bacon-double-cheeseburger.  Instead, she left a giant, white, fluffy toy that was so big, it covered all the grass in the neighborhood!  This toy is AMAZING!  You can run around in it, eat it, pee on it, and it just keeps coming!  Mama took me for a walk to play with the toy, and I asked her to take my picture by it, because I was so proud that the toothfairy would think I was SOOOO good that I deserved this present.  Anyway, I wonder just how big the toy is, because we walked as far as we could until I got too tired to keep going, and the toy went as far as I could see!  I hope the toy made it all the way to your house, and you're out playing with it too!

How will the toothfairy find my crate?

Dear readers, I have some very exciting news to share.  I lost my first tooth!  The best part was that I really freaked my moms out.  (Author's note: due to reader request, from here on out we shall call the mom who's name is Abbe "Mom" and the mom who's name is Lauren "Mama"--she is part Italian, after all.)  We were playing the game where Mom goes in the bathroom and shuts the door, and then I have to try and push it open.  I love this game, and sometimes I'll even bring presents with me to show Mom how much I like the game.  So, I had the white fuzzy toy that Aunt Martha gave me for Hannukah, and I waited a few minutes, and then made a very dramatic entrance into the bathroom.  I left the toy at Mom's feet as a present, but Mom shrieked, and yelled for Mama to come over.  There was blood all over the toy, it was like doggie Psycho! Mama caught me, and then Mom looked in my mouth and saw that I had lost a tooth.  Apparently this is normal, but no one is sure where the tooth went, which worries me because I am expecting gifts from the toothfairy, at least a hot dog or something, maybe even a bacon-double-cheeseburger if I'm really lucky.   If I don't have the tooth to put under my crate, how will the toothfairy know where to leave the presents?

This is a puppy on drugs...any questions?

Whoa, I just woke up from a big nap, and I must say, I'm feeling a bit sluggish. I suspect foul play, and I think I know what happened. I was at the vet this morning, and everything was going great. Usually I'm the only patient, but there were some big dogs there, probably thugs, loitering in the corner. Of course, I walked in and everyone immediately forgot all about the thugs and recognized me for the star I am. Then, I got up on my throne, was fed some more Easy Cheese by my harem, got a fancy new dog tag that said, "Rabies Vaccine" on it, and headed back home.

Before we went back upstairs, I took mom on a little stroll, so I could show off my new bling. Sure enough, an admirer I'd never met before actually pulled over to the side of the road to proclaim my utter adorableness. Some very rude driver started honking at her to move out of the way, so she had to leave, but clearly my new jewelry was making an impression.

Anyhow, we got back inside, I monitored Mom closely as she made lunch (she needs supervision in the kitchen, always), and then while she ate I sat down to load some pictures onto the computer to post for you, dear readers. Just as I was getting to work, I felt a sudden, debilitating drowsiness come over me. I mean, this was no little snooze, I was out cold! You can see from the picture, I tried really hard to keep my eyes open, but it just wasn't possible.

Even now, I'm writing from the couch because I just can't sit up! So, I was thinking, what on earth could possibly make me so sluggish and not my usual, playful self? Then, it came to me. It was the vet. She must have drugged my Easy Cheese! I could have DIED here, people! I think she is jealous that the harem pays more attention to me than they do to her. Probably, she called in the thugs to sell her drugs to put in the Easy Cheese. Clearly she underestimated me! I can never trust her again, and I'm going to have to figure out where to get my Easy Cheese fix from now on.

In any case, what I was going to tell you before I had my near-death experience is that I'm finally posting a photo of my rock collection. I've arranged them in a Stonehenge-esque display that I think really highlights their unique shapes and textures. I also tried to collect some mixed-media pieces--sticks, leaves, bottle caps, dental floss, etc.--so that I can make it sort of a "found art" project. If you have anything you think is really special, send it on over and I'll see if I can work it in.

Also, yesterday my friend Winston and I started a puppy training class together. We decided it was time to get in shape; after all, we're not getting any younger, and it gets harder and harder to maintain my manly physique. Turns out puppy training class is just full of a bunch of snot-nosed 10-week-olds who haven't even been housebroken...really, it was insulting that I would be placed with these babies. But, resilient, patient guy that I am, I just used the opportunity to pretend that I had not learned anything in the past two months, and got mom to give me a whole bunch of treats for "learning" stuff I mastered weeks ago.

That's about all I can manage for now. I'd better get some more rest so I can make a full recovery from my poisoning. Let this be a lesson to you all...NEVER trust Easy Cheese from the vet!

Lapidary Interests

Since I have gotten so proficient at "eliminating" in the out of doors, I am now able to be more observant of my surroundings while on my jaunts about the neighborhood. I must say, I am fascinated with the biodiversity and natural beauty of the land. You know, these purple mountains majesty, the amber waves of grain, and gravel, oh, glorious gravel! Since I have the advantage of being so close to the ground, I am able to really examine all the types of rocks, pebbles, and jewels that are abundant in the People's Republic. Some of these stones I find so irresistibly beautiful that I am moved to take them back to my crate to study and admire. So far, I have a small collection of gems that I have carried in from my walks, up in the elevator, down the hallway, and into our living room. My moms display them proudly, though I'm not sure what happened to one rock I collected that was such a lovely shade of bright green, with all sorts of crags and craters. I think I heard mom shouting something like, "Is that chewed gum?!" I shall continue to find specimens for my collection, and will post a photo soon.

In any case, I wanted to bring you up to date on a few other developments:

1. I have taken up the ancient holistic art of belching. I believe have a natural talent for belching, I am trying to teach my moms how to belch, but they have not achieved anywhere near the volume I have.
2. I have become something of a cheese gourmand. You see, at the vet, I get something they call "shots." As far as I can tell, this involves my moms making very pathetic faces while the vet stands behind me, watching as I use my expert palate to taste cheese. So far I have tasted two varieties of cheese, "Easy Cheese Cheddar" and "Easy Cheese American." Both are delicious, and they are made by a revolutionary artisan process that allows them to be served out of aerosol cans. Ingenious!

I have been so busy lately, as my mom tells me she's getting a new job, and won't be home with me on Mondays anymore. It's a shame, because Mondays were so good for getting errands and chores done, like cleaning the kitchen floor and dishwasher with my tongue, collecting dustballs that I weave into tapestries for the walls of my crate, monitoring the dog who lives on the other side of the sliding glass patio doors (the dashing fellow looks just like yours truly!), and shredding tissues. My moms sure do have a lot of tissues to shred, especially during cold season, I just don't know how I'll keep up. But, this will leave me with lots of time to blog, so I promise to get some new pictures on soon.