Hello? Are you in there?

Alright, after the Freds, I just felt a little down, and I didn't want you all to be sitting there, in front of your computer screens, while you're supposed to be working or paying your bills or e-mailing your mother, and feeling really depressed about the loss of the Freds. Don't feel too sad for me, it's really not all that bad. I mean, it's not the same as a Fred, but I still have my chili pepper, remote control, lamb, hamburger, human-shaped blob, and socks. So, buck up, it's almost Friday! As a happy Friday present to you all, I've put a new picture in my profile. Mom caught this shot as Mama and I came in from a walk--I needed a new pencil for taking notes when I can't get to the computer, so I picked one up while we were out. On our next walk, I'm going to try shopping for a webcam.

Elegy on a Fred

Dear, dear readers, today is a very dark day in my life. Today, the last of my Freds is dead. All my Freds were loyal, loving, and always smiling. They enriched my life in immeasurable ways. For a while, Mama was suturing up my Freds when they were injured, but eventually it was too much to keep up with, and I had to put them out of their misery. Here's a photo of me and SuperFred in happier times...So, first SuperFred, who was a Puppy Kindergarten graduation gift from Mama, and had two open-fluff surgeries, finally succumbed. Then, just tonight, the original Fred, the first Fred I ever had, given to me as a Festivus gift from my best pal Winston, sang his swan song. Mom captured the drama of the moment...
Yes, that's Fred's guts spilled out all over the couch. It wasn't pretty, but I'm glad I was there for his final moments.

The problem now is that I've always had a backup Fred, so when one couldn't hang on any longer, another was waiting in the wings. I'm not sure what I'll do now, it will be a long and lonely night...

Who wears the pants in this family?

Readers, something very frightening happened to me last night, and I wanted to share it with you right away in the hopes of possibly saving you future trauma. We got home from an Easter visit to Grandma and Grandpa's, and after a late dinner, I was napping on the living room floor, minding my own business. Mama was on the couch trying to fix her computer (silly PC users!), and Mom was unpacking in the bedroom. Now, when I say I was "napping," I mean that, as usual, I may have had my eyes closed, but I was certainly aware of my surroundings. I take my responsibility for observing and documenting the goings-on of the household very seriously, and I NEVER sleep on the job. So, when I saw a very strange being walk into the living room, I knew immediately that something was wrong.

This person had not entered through the front door, where normal immigration procedures apply (ie, greeting, sniffing, jumping, licking, etc.), it had simply appeared as if it came from the bedroom, but I was sure that my moms and I were alone. Stranger still, the person was wearing something very, very disturbing. It was sort of like those lampshades that I see some dogs at the vet wearing, but over its legs instead of on its head. I figured this bizarre dress and furtive entry could only mean trouble. I went straight into intruder mode, growling a low, threatening growl, and curling my lip. Then, the creature spoke. She said, "Ollie, what's wrong with you?" I paused, tilted my head to see this intruder better, and took a sniff. She smelled like...Mom! Well, right away I ran over and gave her copious kisses to try to cover up the fact that I had mistaken her for an intruder. Then she and Mama started laughing, which just made me feel stupid. How was I supposed to know that Mom was just trying on a dress she bought while Mama was busy picking out an LCD TV? Mom and Mama are only supposed to wear pants, where you can see both legs, and there is no scary lampshade-like fabric. I know it sounds old-fashioned, but I just don't approve of women these days wearing dresses, especially when you're been around for four months like I have and have never seen them wear one. Mom took the dress off and (thank goodness!) put on some normal sweatpants, and then sat down and explained to me that since the weather is getting warmer, she might sometimes wear the lampshades on her legs, and that I'd have to get used to it. I felt a little better, but I have to tell you, I think it will take years of therapy later on for me to get over the trauma of seeing Mom in a dress.

Max Schmax

Something very disturbing has come to my attention. I owe this to the colleague that Mom was travelling with this week, who is a dog owner herself (Hi Mojo!), as most reasonably intelligent humans are. She sent this link to an article on CNN.com: http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/03/21/dog.blog/index.html

Let me start with the fact that I am appalled that I was not interviewed for this story. Neither was my mentor, Jack. I consider these horrendous oversights on the part of this "Sarah Jio" of CNN. I checked out "Max the Golden Retriever," and I have to say, I wasn't impressed. Who taught this dog English? Has he never read Strunk & White? I suppose this is what we have to expect from a Golden Retriever, but I never expected something so juvenile, base, and--dare I say--boring to show up on national news. I have sent my complaints to CNN, and I will let you know, dear readers, as soon as I hear back from them. As for the rest of you struggling artists out there, keep on writing, and have faith that someday soon, the world will be able to distinguish true literary greatness from amateur drivel. And Mojo, anytime you want to write a guest post, just say the word.

When the Mom's away...

For the last four days, Mama and I have been home alone. The first night when she didn't come home I was so depressed, all I could do was lie on the ground with one of her dirty socks and cry. Mom left us with some flimsy excuse like "business travel," but what kind of business could she possibly have been conducting in Wausau, WI? There aren't even any dogs there! I wasn't too happy about being left behind--I could totally fit in a carry-on!--but I had to pull it together and take care of Mama. We had popcorn and beer for dinner every night, because that's all I know how to cook so far. I've decided it's important I learn some new recipes so that if we're ever on our own again, I can make all sorts of gourmet meals and make Mom jealous.

Anyhow, some good things did come of our time alone (I'll refer to it hereafter as "the dark days"). First, Mama and I got to have some real quality time together. After I got over my depression, we went out cruising together in the "outdoor woods". Mama didn't manage to pick up any ladies, but I sure got lucky with a bunch of sticks and rocks. The other excellent thing is that Mom discovered (while sending us daily photo updates from the road) that the new Mac OS has a new (and WAY improved) version of PhotoBooth. If you have never used one before, you need to find your nearest Mac user immediately and ask them nicely to show you how. It is the most fun you can have besides sock chewing. You can take pictures of yourself with all sorts of effects, sort of like funhouse mirrors, but with the new one, you can superimpose yourself onto different backgrounds.

So, as soon as she got home, Mama and I had a photoshoot...here are two of our best shots...

Just Keep Swimming...Just Keep Swimming....

Wheeeeeeee!

As you can see, this presents endless possibilities for photo entertainment. You can also import any picture into the program, so if you send me a picture of yourself, I can add myself in and post it here, then you can show all your friends and co-workers, and everyone will think you've met the famous Oliver of Oliver Opines in person, and you'll be the most popular kid on the block. Just my little way of giving back.

Poop and Circumstance

It's official, I'm a graduate! On Sunday, I passed my final exam with flying colors and graduated from puppy kindergarten. Luckily, Mama was there to take pictures as I showed I could sit, stay, lie down, come and shake. I also made it through a very challenging obstacle course. The toughest part was the tunnel made of towels. Most of the other puppies in the class were scared of the tunnel part, but I just wanted to play with the towels. Mom kept trying to get me to go through them, but why would you pass up the opportunity to shred a perfectly good towel?? Anyway, it was Mama's first time at puppy class and she was so proud that she got me a graduation gift. I'll post pictures of me with my gift next time--trust me, it can't be explained in words.

So long puppy kindergarten, next stop, Harvard!

UPDATE: Sadly, I had to disembowel the graduation gift before Mom could get a picture of it. It was possessed by a very dangerous, mysterious parasite, and the only way to exercise the demons was to split it open and remove all the stuffing. I hated to see a good toy go to waste like this, but I had no choice, I couldn't let those evil spirits hang around in the house, so I gritted my teeth and did what had to be done. Then I burned the remains, just in case, and buried the ashes under the couch cushions. If you would like to purchase a new one for me, you can find it here: http://www.petsmart.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2755324 (trust me, only the 24-inch is worth it).